I’m still sick y’all. Really sick. On antibiotics and an inhaler now. Blech.

Hopefully be back online soon.

Monday’s eye candy for your viewing pleasure.

Are you a Martha or Maxine?

*Martha’s Way*
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of an ice cream cone to prevent ice cream drips.

*Maxine’s Way *
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete’s sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it, anyway!

*Martha’s Way*
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

*Maxine’s Way *
Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix. Keeps in the pantry for up to a year.

*Martha’s Way*
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won’t be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

*Maxine’s Way *
Go to the bakery! They’ll even decorate it for you.

*Martha’s Way*
If you accidentally over salt a dish while it’s still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant ‘fix-me-up.’

*Maxine’s Way *
If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that’s too bad. Please recite with me the real woman’s motto: ‘I made it, you will eat it and I don’t care how bad it tastes!’

*Martha’s Way*
Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

*Maxine’s Way *
Celery? Never heard of it!

*Martha’s Way*
Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

*Maxine’s Way *
The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I don’t.

*Martha’s Way*
Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

*Maxine’s Way *
Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink! ‘All’ your pains go away.

*Martha’s Way*
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

*Maxine’s Way *
Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you.

*Martha’s Way*
Don’t throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

*Maxine’s Way *
Leftover wine??????????? HELLO !!!!!!!

Hopefully this virus will go away. :( I knew something was up when I kept feeling exhausted every day, like barely keep my eyes open tired. Then my glands got swollen, now I’m battling it almost full-on and feel like I got hit by a bus. Blech. I even missed my radio podcast interview with Mandy and Michelle yesterday (gads, I feel awful about that!).

However, I have the next five days off (woo!) and I planned on finishing Zeke’s story. I can only hope Dayquill does its job, along with copious amounts of tea and water, so I can reach my goal. Micah is calling and I’ve got to answer.

I’ll probably be offline most of the weekend, so you can catch me next Tuesday when I come up for air (briefly) before heading back into the cave.

One. Two. Three. Write!

Do you remember your first job as a teenager? That nervous excitement with butterflies filling your stomach as you painstakingly filled out that job application? Or spoke to the hiring manager/person and tried not to sound like a complete idiot?

*sigh*

My teenager just got his first job. I guess that officially means I’m getting older, right? He’s been telling me he wanted a job since he turned 16 earlier this year. Well, believe it or not, most stores have online job applications and apparently none of them want to hire a 16 YO with no experience.

What’s up with that? I mean Food Lion (it’s a grocery store) won’t hire teenagers? Or Target either. Some stores require you to be 18, such as Kohl’s, or 17, such as Hollister. Every time he goes in Hollister, they ask him if he’s 17 because they want to hire him – he looks like a California beach model with blue eyes and blond hair.

So it’s been a sloooow process to find him a job. I just happened to be searching through various online job posting websites looking for part-time work. Many of them are those ‘WORK FROM HOME AND BE A MILLIONAIRE’ type postings, which of course are total crap. Then I went on Craig’s list and lo and behold, found one for a front desk person at a neighborhood pool about 10 minutes from the house.

It met his desires for a job – not too hard, in the shade and close by. He went for a group interview the other day and from the 11 teenagers there, 6 of them got e-mails saying they were hired including my DS. Not sure what the qualifications were at that point, but he was dressed nicely (thank you Mom).

He’s going to start this weekend, Memorial Day, when the pool officially opens so I expect it will be an eye-opening weekend for him. That first paycheck is coming and he’s going to want to buy himself something. Another sweet memory for me – although I only made $3.25 an hour so it was a veddy small paycheck. Yet oh so satisfying.

Memories, eh?

So last week I was checking out Fictionwise when I saw The Treasure and the Reward were in the top five rated books in the Erotica category. Holy hell! This morning, this is what I saw:

It made me stop dead and stare in stupefication. I’ve got the top two rated books on Fictionwise in Erotica. *gasp*

No f’ing way!!

Is that not crazy? I took the image so I could prove to myself it wasn’t just a dream. Pretty cool, eh?

I also noticed my Loose Id series books, The Perfect Score, are now for sale on Fictionwise. Sweet!

Hope y’all are having a kickin’ Tuesday!

Monday’s eye candy for your viewing pleasure. Today I’m over at the Brava author’s blog for my virgin blog post. *blush*

Got this from my peep, Janice. I’ve always loved George Carlin – and dangit all, he won’t be performing again when I’m in Vegas in August. Poo.

Anyway, I thought these were just hysterical.

Carlin’s New Rules For 2007

New Rule : Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com ! There’s a reason you don’t talk to people for 25 years. Because you don’t particularly like them!? Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days — mowing my lawn.

New Rule : Don’t eat anything that’s served to you out a window unless you’re a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy’s chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain?? Trout?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids — lucky bastards.

New Rule : If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you’re a dope. If you’re a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you’re a grown man, they’re pictures of men.

New Rule : Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here’s how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we’re done.

New Rule : There’s no such thing as flavored water. There’s a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That’s your flavored water.

New Rule : Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that’s square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule : The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a “decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one sweet-n’-Low, and one NutraSweet,” ooh, you’re a huge asshole.

New Rule : I’m not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing “Enter,” verifying the amount, deciding no, I don’t want cash back, and pressing “Enter” again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule : Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn’t make you spiritual. It’s right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to “beef with broccoli.” The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren’t pregnant. You’re not spiritual. You’re just high.

New Rule : Competitive eating isn’t a sport — it’s one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What’s next, competitive farting??? Oh wait!? They’re already doing that. It’s called “The Howard Stern Show.”

New Rule: I don’t need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I’m extra hungry for M&Ms, I’ll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule : If you’re going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what’s playing on the other screens. Let’s remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn’t good enough to be a movie.

New Rule : No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it’s for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn’t gift giving, it’s the white people version of looting.

New Rule : When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to know in months. “27 Months.” “He’s two,” will do just fine. He’s not a cheese. And I didn’t really care in the first place.

New Rule : If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God’s sake don’t pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If you do, then plan your future around saying, “Do you want fries with that?”

Ah, Thursday has arrived again. Woohoo! Friday eve, right? Oh yeah, right on y’all. I’m soooo ready for the weekend. I’ve finally got two days where I don’t really need to go anywhere, drive long distances or be my author self for an event.

Thirteen Things I Need/Want to Do This Weekend

1. Sleep late.

2. Wash my car – of course, slaves, er, I mean the kids will help out.

3. Weed. Again, isn’t that what kids are for?

4. Clean the bathroom. Geez, this is starting to sound like a chore list for the boys.

5. Write, write, write! At least 10K is my goal.

6. Go to a neighborhood pool party Saturday. Thankfully I already got a new bathing suit.

7. Throw out or recycle the junk piled up in my closets.

8. Make a nice pile of things for the tag sale next weekend.

9. Make the chitlins pick out stuff they don’t need/want/use for the tag sale. I told them if they wanted to keep the money for it, they had to be there to sell it, or the money is Mom’s. *evil grin*

10. Deliver the band fundraiser goodies with the 16 YO.

11. Read/finish a book. I started one at RT and still haven’t finished it.

12. Watch a movie.

13. Did I mention sleep late? Oh, man, I can’t wait for that one.

Not sure how. It’s been a crazy, weird week. Gads, I think I’m getting sick, too. :( My glands are swollen and I’ve been absolutely exhausted the last two evenings.

The good news is that I kicked off my morning by writing 1,000 words. Hooyah! That’s always a happy thing. Interestingly enough, the more I dream at night, the more I write and vice versa. Now if only I could figure out how to make myself dream… ;)

Now not to pick on little Miley Cyrus, but I saw this news piece a couple weeks ago and it irked me. No, more than that, it pissed me off.

The gist of it is the girl is going to write her “memoir.”

*let’s that sink in*

HER MEMOIR. Seriously!! She’s 15 frickin’ years old – what the hell could she possibly have to write about?

Aside from that (this is the part that really got to me) – it was a SEVEN FIGURE deal. That’s over a million y’all. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!

After struggling for so long to get published, for a 15 YO to write her memoir *snort* and get paid over a million for it makes me nauseated. To put the cherry on that sundae, the initial print run is also going to be one million copies.

It appears they’re looking for a ghost writer (big surprise). Perhaps I should apply for the job and be able to quit my day job.

That’s Wednesday’s rant for y’all.